Even the flowers would like these jokes!

Because we love to laugh, we thought we’d add a few jokes each month just for the heck of it-because we want you to smile when you think of us.  So here is the start of the humor page…and new ones are added at the beginning each time..

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Banes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. “Mr. Banes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. “Mr. Banes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. “Oh, Mr. Banes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the  world?” The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, “I out lived all the sons of bees.”

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Farmer Dan got into his Toyota 4-by-4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Eddie, aged about 10, opened the door.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ Dan demanded.
‘No, sir, he ain’t,’ Eddie replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well, then,’ inquired Dan, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad,’ explained Eddie patiently.

Farmer Dan stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

‘Is there anything I can do fer ya?’ Eddie asked politely. ‘I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’

‘Well, it’s difficult,’ answered Dan uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.’

Eddie considered for a moment, ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that,’ he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’

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My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, 
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

 

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day:

  • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier.
  • A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
  • A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
  • A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
  • ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.

The man in the car sticks his head out of the window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”

The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”

The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood. The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA. He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.

The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech portable HP Color Laser Jet. He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer:
“Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”

“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”

The farmer looks on as the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.

The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”

The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure. Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”

“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.

“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise. “How on Earth did you know?”

“It’s a no-brainer,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work. So be a darling, open the trunk and give me back my herding dog!”

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When my five-year-old daughter came down with a virus, I took her to the doctor’s office. Holding her hands, I explained the sad facts: “The doctor is now going to draw some blood.”

Calmly and stoically, she responded, “Whose?”

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And I love IT jokes!  Here are some favoraites and they’re true…

  • I had a user come up to me and ask why their computer would not turn on. I go over to the desk and notice a pool of water so I immediately unplug the computer and lift it up. Water came pouring out of the side vents so the user says “oh ya I spilled water on my desk, could that be the problem?”
  • Person entering data on a floppy disk was told that she had to make a copy at the end of every day to provide a backup. About 6 months later, the disk became corrupt; so the technician asked if she had the copies. She opened a filing cabinet drawer and pulled out a stack of paper; on every sheet was a photocopy of the disk.
  • I was walking through an office one day and a user said to me, “At last! It’s taken you long enough. I pressed F1 (help button) over 2 hours ago!”
  • I got a call about a monitor not working. When going through the standard debugging steps, user said there were no lights, he could not find the power button, etc, etc. Then I ask, “Is there actually a monitor on the desk”, and answer was “no.” Someone had moved it.
  • Someone was complaining his PC wasn’t working at all. After going through the whole “have you checked cables and is it plugged in etc” he had me thinking he needed a new power supply or something. Then I heard someone in the background say, “I wonder how long the power outage will be this time.”
  • User calls saying mouse “isn’t working.” No problem says me… I grabbed a freshie & headed over. Upon arrival, user says, “And there’s that annoying red light shining in my eyes too!” I turned the mouse right-side-up and walked quickly out of earshot, promptly losing it with laughter!!!
  • I had a user come back from a 2 week vacation who reported that “everything is different”. She couldn’t really explain what was different though. Her computer had been off the whole time and nothing had changed at all. She’s a Mac user at home and I suspected the reason “everything is different” was because she didn’t look at a Windows machine for two weeks.
  • One day a user calls because her computer wouldn’t power on. OK, so I take the trip upstairs and sure enough no power to the CPU or monitor. I follow the power cords to a power strip, but I couldn’t see the power switch. A head of lettuce in a grocery bag had fallen from her desk onto the switch and turned it off. We still laugh about the ‘Death by Vegetable’ ticket…
  • “I had a user at my last job, who when it came time to reboot her computer would crawl under her desk, unplug every single cable, plug in every single cable, and come back up and tell me she rebooted. Even better when I had her log off and log on she did the same thing.”
  • Call from user: “my PC is screaming at me.” Found out the computer was beeping because the keyboard tray was holding several buttons down.
  • I got a ticket stating “user is requesting to be changed back to Google from Chrome”
  • Ticket #144: “myspacebarwillnotwork” – Description: “iwouldreallylikesomespacessoicanwork!”
  • It’s a big problem when users start mistaking a can of WD-40 for canned air… that keyboard was never the same. “It’s sooo oily!?” *facepalm*
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True story (Aren’t those the bestest kinds?)

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of
small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued – and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA …..

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE  ARE NUTS!

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A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. “That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him. “Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.  (Oh, dear, maybe not politically correct-does anyone say yuppie anymore, but still, funny…)

A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. He was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen. He apologized to the workers for being late. As He looked into the open grave, He saw the vault lid already in place. he told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening. He was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” He got so into the service that He preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation. When the service was over, He said a prayer and walked to his car. As He opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

 

And one last knee slapper…

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

See you next time!

 

New Jokes for February 17, 2018; in which we have just had 3 days of rain, flooding, and warmer weather, only to be met by snowing again-but, hey, this is Ohio!

As a  mom, I enjoyed these:

 

Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.”

Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”

Batman’s Mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

Goldilocks Mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?”

Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

George Washington’s Mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

Superman’s Mother: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed.”

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My friend Glenn T Horne-see his interview on this website, lovely man: sent me this recently:

Speaking of grandchildren: When my grandson Andrew and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Andrew whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.” God smiled, “There is another Washington…wait until you see the idiots I put there.”

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What happens if your computer falls on the floor? It’ll slip a disk.

What is the first sign that a computer is getting old? Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

Computers do not have brains. They only think they do.

My computer really isn’t nervous. It’s just a little ANSI. What do you call a computer virus? A terminal illness.

What is an astronaut’s favorite computer key? The space bar.

To err is human. But if you really want to mess things up, you need a computer.

Why are there bugs in computers? They’re looking for bytes to eat.

A computer can make very fast, very accurate mistakes – almost as fast as me!  Love you all and see you next time!  and if you have a good one to share, send it along for us all to laugh…love to share jokes.

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Speaking of grandchildren: A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”