Because we love to laugh, we thought we’d add a few jokes each month just for the heck of it- because we want you to smile when you think of us.

Thinking on matrimony-here are some smileworthy historical quips:

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher… And that is a good thing for any man. –Socrates, d.399 BCE

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such persons as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? –Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1850

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. –Michel de Montaigne, d.1592

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. –Anonymous

It may be just coincidence, but man’s best friend (the dog) cannot talk. –Anonymous

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. -H.L. Mencken, d.1956

The whole pleasure of marriage is that it is a perpetual crisis. –G.K. Chesterton, d.1936

Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline. –G.K. Chesterton

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. –Helen Rowland

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. –Noel Coward

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it. –Zsa Zsa Gabor (married nine times)

After marriage, husband and wife become like two sides of a coin: they can’t face each other, but still they stay together. –Hemant Joshi

It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t. –Spike Milligan

A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. –Frank Sinatra

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. –Jim Backus

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. –Joey Adams

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. –Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. –Erma Bombeck

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner

In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. –Joey Adams

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? –Groucho Marx

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. –Oscar Wil

[Two works of graffiti seen on a bathroom wall:]
Make love, not war.
Do both, get married.

I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men. –Dave Barry

BURIAL PLANS
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?” The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

* * * * *

THE OLD PRIEST AND YOUNG RABBI
An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?” The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Rabbi: I’m not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you DIDN’T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read: “Dear Father: I’m not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you DON’T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

A MODERN LORD’S PRAYER
Our Father, who shall be termed party of the first part, whose place of business is in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions, come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done on earth, inasfar as existing statutes permit, as it is in Heaven. Give us this Thirty-first day of December, 2000, our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, notwithstanding claims, liens and legal costs, as we, who shall be termed party of the second part, forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, i.e. sin, corruption, greed, gluttony, etc., but deliver us from evil, the nature of which shall be determined by the court. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and, pending appeal, the Glory forever. Amen.

* * * * *

THE LESSON
Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.”

Then Simon Peter said: “Do we have to write this down?”

And Andrew said: “Are we supposed to know this?”

And James said: “Will we have a test on this?”

And Phillip said: “I don’t have any paper!”

And Bartholomew said: “Do we have to turn this in?”

And John said: “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this!”

And Matthew said: “Can I go to the boys’ room?”

And Judas said: “What does this have to do with real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.

* * * * *

YOU WANT WHAT?
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, please grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I need to see beautiful sights and alleviate the stress in my life.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

+++++++++++++++++++++

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me… and I don’t want to remind Him.”

* * * * *

MOTHER AND FATHER
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”

* * * * *

THE PHONE CALL
A Jewish man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” said the mother, “I’ve been very weak.” The son asked, “Mom, why are you so weak?” She replied, “Because I haven’t eaten in 27 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 27 days?” The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call!”

* * * * *

EVEN MORE JEWISH HUMOR

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! — Golda Meir

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. — Henny Youngman

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. — David Steinberg

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. — Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to “know” the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. — Woody Allen.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out athletically. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. –Joan Rivers

“Genius” defined: a “C” student with a Jewish mother.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: “Your Mother pays retail.”

Q: What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vey.

A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!”

Hanna Bromfeld was hanging up her husband’s jacket when suddenly she became furious, for she had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder. “I see,” she screeched, “you were at your mother’s to get sympathy again!”

Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. –Peter Malkin

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Four Jewish mothers are sitting together playing bridge. The first one lets out a long sigh and heartfelt “Oy!” A few minutes later, the second bubbe also sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!” A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!” To which the fourth Jewish mother says: “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children!”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, riding in the same subway car, noticed this bizarre phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched over to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news here is so much better!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A MODERN LORD’S PRAYER
Our Father, who shall be termed party of the first part, whose place of business is in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions, come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done on earth, inasfar as existing statutes permit, as it is in Heaven. Give us this Thirty-first day of December, 2000, our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, notwithstanding claims, liens and legal costs, as we, who shall be termed party of the second part, forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, i.e. sin, corruption, greed, gluttony, etc., but deliver us from evil, the nature of which shall be determined by the court. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and, pending appeal, the Glory forever. Amen.

* * * * *

THE LESSON
Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.”

Then Simon Peter said: “Do we have to write this down?”

And Andrew said: “Are we supposed to know this?”

And James said: “Will we have a test on this?”

And Phillip said: “I don’t have any paper!”

And Bartholomew said: “Do we have to turn this in?”

And John said: “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this!”

And Matthew said: “Can I go to the boys’ room?”

And Judas said: “What does this have to do with real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.

* * * * *

YOU WANT WHAT?
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, please grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I need to see beautiful sights and alleviate the stress in my life.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WEDDING
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

SCHOOL LUNCH
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had posted a note on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

COMMANDMENTS
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

CREATION OF MAN AND WOMAN
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything including human beings. Little Billy seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Billy, what is the matter?” Little Billy responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

BECOMING A MINISTER
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”

CHURCH CANDLES
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started singing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”

DEATH
When the family’s dog died, a mother tried to gently break the news to her little 5-year-old daughter. “We can all be happy now, that little Bo is up in heaven with God.” Replied the little girl: “But mom, what’s God going to do with a dead dog?”

MORE DEATH
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought for a moment and then asked, “Did God throw him back down?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

These charming items are often circulated as an anonymously written piece; but they are actually excerpts from a lovely book by Stuart Hample & Eric Marshall, Children’s Letters to God (Workman Publishing, 1991 and reprints); here are a few sample messages:

Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison.

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You keep the ones You already have now? Jane.

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother. Larry.

Dear God, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. Mickey.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them. Nan.

Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy.

Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma.

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? Neil.

Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce.

Dear God, I think about You sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliot.

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha.

Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

RANDOM QUIPS (from various unknown sources)

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To test me, please send money.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

Life is sexually transmitted.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I can resist anything but temptation

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

What do they call Church pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.

When the family’s dog died, a mother tried to gently break the news to her little 5-year-old daughter. “We can all be happy now, that little Bo is up in heaven with God.” Replied the little girl: “But mom, what’s God going to do with a dead dog?”

MORE DEATH
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought for a moment and then asked, “Did God throw him back down?”

CATHOLIC SCHOOL
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flashcards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother or say “hello.” Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were soon spread out all over the room while little Zachary applied himself, hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made such a difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room to study even more. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at the report card and, to her great surprise, Zachary had received an “A” in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” The little boy shook his head.

“Well, then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?”

Zachary looked at his mother and said, “No. It was on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

RANDOM QUIPS (from various unknown sources)

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To test me, please send money.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

Life is sexually transmitted.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I can resist anything but temptation

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

What do they call Church pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Ok?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and work will resume as normal. The CEO and management will be spending the holidays in Hawaii.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And we are past Thanksgiving and I can put on Christmas jokes!  Here we go!

  • What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
    Santa rolling down a hill!
  • What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
    Tyranno-santa Rex!
  • How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
    Because he’s always in the pole position!
  • What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
    His north pole!
  • Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
    Elephanta Claus!
  • What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
    Crisp Kringle!
  • What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
    His north pole!
  • What do you call Santa when he has no money?
    Saint “Nickel”-less!
  • What smells most in a chimney?
    Santa’s nose!
  • What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
    A jolly roll!
  • What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
    A rebel without a Claus!
  • What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
    Rapping paper!
  • What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
    Mistle-“toast”!
  • What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
    Kris Kringle burps!
  • ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

To those of us in our senior years…

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with green hair walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” I just say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he knows when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

Ah! Being young is exciting but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

May you always have:

Love to share,

Cash to spare,

Tires with air,

And friends who care.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why did the Chicken cross the road? (Anonymous, from various sources, with some additions by Timothy, noted with an asterisk*; a double asterisk** is my elaboration of an original item in the anonymous version.)and really getting out of hand….)

Taoist sage Lao Tzu:*
The road that can be crossed is not the true Road. (Tao Te Ching, ch. 1)

Also from Lao Tzu:
Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Star Trek’s Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Plato:**
To know her true self, for the greater good of all.

Zeno of Elea:
To prove she could never reach the other side, given that, before she can get there, she must get halfway there; and before she can get halfway there, she must get a quarter of the way there; and before traveling a quarter, she must travel one-eighth; and …

John Lennon:**
Imagine all the world’s chickens, crossing every road in peace…

Colonel Sanders (of KFC—Kentucky Fried Chicken):
I missed one?

Hugh Hefner (the “Colonel Sanders of Hot Chicks”):*
To fully expose her delightful body. Maybe she would like to come live with me… and dress up as a bunny.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr.:**
I have a dream that one day all of God’s chickens, chickens of every color and faith, from every village and every hamlet, will be free–thank God Almighty, free at last!–to cross any road without their motives called into question.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The white chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

Grandpa:**
Well now, listen here, my young friend. In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and, by golly, that was good enough for us. Those were simpler times, and we were simpler folks.

Barbara Walters:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. We’ll have all the details you want to hear, right after this break.

Oprah Winfrey:
Well, I understand that this chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not have to live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Dr. Phil:
The problem we have here is that our chicken friend won’t realize he must first deal with the big problem on THIS side of the road before he goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. He needs HELP realizing just how STUPID he is for not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems!

George Bush:**
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is with us or against us. No middle ground here. In fact, Vice President Cheney tells me there’s evidence this chicken is a terrorist in collusionation with the enemies of our freedom. Dick, do you have your gun handy? Wait a minute now, Dick! Make sure that thing’s pointed in the right direction, okay?

Colin Powell:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

Ralph Nader:
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the monstrous wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth? The chicken was going to the other side. That’s what they call it: “the other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is GAY. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

Ronald Reagan:**
As with the Iran-Contra matter and Nicaragua, I don’t remember. But I’m sure it was in our great country’s best interests.

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

Sigmund Freud:**
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road clearly reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. What were your feelings about your mother?

Carl Jung:*
How synchronous, Herr Freud, that this chicken should cross this road at exactly this moment on the way to its full individuation!

H.P. Lovecraft:
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

Howard Cosell (sportscaster):
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of sports history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Bill Gates:
To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway and into a world where there’s a computer in every home.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
“Oh, sir, your question’s very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God.”

Weekly World News:
Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!

Thomas Jefferson:
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature’s God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Karl Marx:
Driven by the lash of economic necessity, it was historically inevitable.

Voltaire:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it!

Che Guevara:*
I am in solidarity with all chickens! Viva el pollo!

X-Files’ Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

X-Files’ Scully:
Mulder, calm down, it was a simple bio-mechanical reflex commonly found in chickens.

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:**
It depends on the chicken’s frame of reference as to whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken. Moreover, given our curved universe, if the chicken keeps moving in the same direction, it winds up coming once again to the same road!

Physicist Werner Heisenberg:
Because the chicken is moving sufficiently fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Timothy Leary (smiling):**
Because it was the only far-out trip the Establishment would let this groovy little chicken take.

Jean Paul Sartre (not smiling):**
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence… Do you think you could sit with that chicken in a small room for eternity?

Albert Camus:**
The chicken crossed the road. My mother died today. Nothing matters. The world is absurd. Chicken’s actions have no meaning, except, possibly, to her.

Jacques Derrida:*
These are just language games in the logocentric strategy of discourse. What is a “chicken”? What is the “road”? In the reappropriation of the original text of this phenomenon, and being utterly open to its subtext of emptiness and the many, as part of our ongoing postmodernist deconstructionist project, we are interested here only in the actual feathers, tissue, beak, claws, and asphault.

Jacques Derrida (asked the same Q on another occasion):
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Vito Corleone:
We made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

Rogue cops in the L.A.P.D. (Los Angeles Police Dept.):
Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

Nancy Grace:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

O.J. Simpson:
It didn’t cross the road. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday, I wore a Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to “Wally World” to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, a younger guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
“No,” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that cap?”
“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812….” I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh?” the Walmartian queried, “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity.
“1946”, I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?”
“It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to become fun!

“Dude! Really?” He exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”
“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still classified ‘Top Secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me the ‘don’t threaten me look. . “Like, what’s gonna’ happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, “You have a family, don’t you?
We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.

Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

And these people VOTE!

What a great time! Tomorrow I’m going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the driver’s license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!
See you guys at Wal-Mart!! 😜🤫🤫

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear? ” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

 

The church held a “Marriage Seminar” and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, “Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 20th anniversary.”

The Priest said “Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary.” Luigi proudly replied “I’m gonna go and get her.”

 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very  much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

___________________________________________________________________
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.” God smiled, “There is another Washington…wait until you see the idiots I put there.”

+++++++++++++++++++++

What happens if your computer falls on the floor? It’ll slip a disk.

What is the first sign that a computer is getting old? Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

Computers do not have brains. They only think they do.

My computer really isn’t nervous. It’s just a little ANSI. What do you call a computer virus? A terminal illness.

What is an astronaut’s favorite computer key? The space bar.

To err is human. But if you really want to mess things up, you need a computer.

Why are there bugs in computers? They’re looking for bytes to eat.

A computer can make very fast, very accurate mistakes – almost as fast as me!  Love you all and see you next time!  and if you have a good one to share, send it along for us all to laugh…love to share jokes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

An old physician, Doctor John Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that read:
“Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, Here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”

Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to annoy us.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

  1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
  2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
  3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
    (My Favorite)
  4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you.”
  6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
  7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
  8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
  11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
    (National Crime Information Center )
  13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
  14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND “THE BIG OUCH” IS….

  1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.

 

In the interest of keeping the peace, here’s some things not to do, folks:

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here’s what happened: A

ttorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No. Attorney:

Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No. Attorney:

So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?'” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

______________________________________________________

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

__________________________

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home …

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year.Maybe dark brown now.I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It’s a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37″ X 13.5″ Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12″ LED Light bar, 50″ LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution “C” Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4″ springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch’s & a Tuffy Security Drawer……
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Jeep.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In honor of spring, spring humor!

Can February March? No, but April May!

Why is everyone so tired on April 1? Because they’ve just finished a long, 31 day March!

What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring-time!

What flowers grow on faces? Tulips (Two-lips)!

Why are trees very forgiving? Because in the Fall they “Let It Go” and in the Spring they “turn over a new leaf”.

Why is the letter A like a flower? A bee (B) comes after it!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny

What did the tree say to spring? What a re-leaf.

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily!

What does the Easter Bunny order at a Chinese Restaurant? Hop Suey!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny

One spring morning, Will and I were in the garden looking at the flowers we had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.

When I showed Will, he replied without missing a beat, “You know, Sweetheart, they sing for most folks.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Minister  woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, the Preacher headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then the minister hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Speaking of grandchildren: (Which I do easily) A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

_______________________________________________

Winter humor-if there is anything funny about all that snow, sleet, rain, cold, wind, sun?-what, are we in Ohio?  Ah, yes.  So here’s funnies about winter…

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long? A: Polaroids!

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce? A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why? A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean? A: H to O! (H20)

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman? A: Froze-T

Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen? A: The police combed the area.

Q: If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for? A: Snowbows.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes – so what?”
“Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

These have been told me over the years by various legal minded friends, and they are all supposed to have actually happened-‘

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, “Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?” “Because I fit in the chairs.” She got the job.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Police in Norfolk, Virginia, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message ‘ He’s lying’ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Year Old Alex was lost and a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Alex playing calmly in the woods.

“Listen to me, Alex,” his mother said sharply. “From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?” Alex thought about that for a moment and said, “Okay. Disney World.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Dear Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.  When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.’

The boy replied, ‘I don’t think I’ll be there… You don’t even know your way to the post office.’

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?” “Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms beforehand.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, ‘Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I’m stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?’

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I asked my Canadian friend “Did you have a good Summer?

He replied “Yes indeed, we had a great picnic that afternoon!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids. “Who’s winning?” I asked cheerfully.

“I am” said one

“no, I am” said another

“No,” the father said “their mother is!”

Experienced Gardener Wanted
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. “Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

 

Floral Tribute
Man to florist: ‘I’d like a bunch of flowers, please.’
Florist: ‘Certainly, sir. What flowers would you like?’
Man: ‘Er.. I’m not sure…Ummm..’
Florist: ‘Let me help you, sir – what exactly have you done?’

It Never Rains….
The manager of the garden center overhears one of his nurserymen talking to a customer.

‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’

The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’

The nurseryman nods. ‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager.
‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.

It’s gardening time!  and in honor of that, the following:

Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.

Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.

Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.

Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.

Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.

Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.

Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.

  • A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
    Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
  • A man walks into the doctors with a parsnip in one ear, a carrot in the other and his nostrils blocked with broadbeans.
    “What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
    “You need to eat more sensibly!”

Organic, or Inorganic?
Pete and Harry were talking one day. “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden,” said Pete.

“So were you able to find some?” Harry asked.
“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'”

“The gardener answered: ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.'”

 

For some reason, I’ve been collecting stories lately about modern life-so these are what I call OMG sightings….

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee…..

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’
STAY ALERT!

 

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, 
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day:

  • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier.
  • A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
  • A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
  • A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.

When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was 
I in there for?”

Stuck On You

© Kenneth J. Miller

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

An Angry Valentine
If you won’t be my Valentine
I’ll scream, I’ll yell, I’ll bite.
I’ll cry aloud, I’ll start to whine
If you won’t be my Valentine.
I’ll frown and fret, I’ll mope and pine, and
It will serve you right —
If you won’t be my Valentine
I’ll scream, I’ll Yell, I’ll Bite!
Myra Cohn Livingston

Love is like a Cabbage
My love is like a cabbage
Divided into two,
The leaves I give to others,
The heart I give to you.

Veggie Valentine
You may not “carrot” all for me
The way I care for you.
You may “turnip” your nose
When I plead with you
But if your “heart” should “beet” with mine
Forever “lettuce” hope
There is no reason in the world
Why we two “Cantaloupe.”

If you won’t be my Valentine,
Then  give this back to me.
I believe in recycling so help save a tree.

 

“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do” and so
I’m sending this Valentine to you!

 

Love goes in circles
So I’m crazy. I’m
Spinning.
But, unless you’re my Valentine,
I can’t say I’m “Winning!”

 

 

I didn’t by you candy,
Cuz it would make you fat.
But, I’m sending you this Valentine
So we don’t have a spat.

 

I believe in love.
I believe in cupid.
But if you won’t be my Valentine
I’ll feel really stupid.

 

Roses are red,
Ivy is green,
Between your looks
and by brains,
We make quite a team!

I smiled, I winked,

I have been quite a flirt.
So here’s a Valentine

because you’re not too alert.

 

I’ve sent texts.
And I’ve called.
But you just don’t
comprehend.
I want you to be my Valentine,
And, not just a
Facebook Friend.

 

Purple is created by blending red and blue
And I was created to always love you.

 

Please be my special Valentine;
There’s no one quite like you.
You’re really fun to be with,
And a very good friend, too!

Hindsight

I said to you, “Oh, please be mine;
Be mine forever, Valentine.”
I must have seemed like quite a fool,
Although I thought I was being cool.

I swore that we would never part,
As I put my hand upon my heart.
Had I been thinking with my head,
I probably would have fled instead.

By Joanna Fuchs

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

 You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

 What do you call bears with no ears?

B

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

 What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

 How did the blonde die ice fishing?

She was hit by the zamboni.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they’re eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, “Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic.” The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

God created the mule, and told him, “You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.” The mule answered, “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.” And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.” And the dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.” And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.” And the monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.” And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.” And the man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.” And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood.

Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.

Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

++++++++++++++++

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.

Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

++++++++++++++

One warm summer evening a mother was driving with her three young children. A woman in the convertible in front of them stood up and waved. She was STARK NAKED. As the mother was reeling from shock, the five-year-old said, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 
stubborn.”

He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”

++++++++

A Scottish mother visits her 
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

+++++

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

+++++++

Gary was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought a lawnmower 
but returned it a few days later, 
complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you 
have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Banes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. “Mr. Banes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. “Mr. Banes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. “Oh, Mr. Banes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the  world?” The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, “I out lived all the sons of bees.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Farmer Dan got into his Toyota 4-by-4 and drove to the neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Eddie, aged about 10, opened the door.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ Dan demanded.
‘No, sir, he ain’t,’ Eddie replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well, then,’ inquired Dan, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad,’ explained Eddie patiently.

Farmer Dan stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

‘Is there anything I can do fer ya?’ Eddie asked politely. ‘I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’

‘Well, it’s difficult,’ answered Dan uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.’

Eddie considered for a moment, ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that,’ he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, 
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day:

  • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier.
  • A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
  • A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
  • A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
  • ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.

The man in the car sticks his head out of the window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”

The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”

The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood. The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA. He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.

The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech portable HP Color Laser Jet. He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer:
“Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”

“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”

The farmer looks on as the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.

The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”

The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure. Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”

“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.

“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise. “How on Earth did you know?”

“It’s a no-brainer,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work. So be a darling, open the trunk and give me back my herding dog!”

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When my five-year-old daughter came down with a virus, I took her to the doctor’s office. Holding her hands, I explained the sad facts: “The doctor is now going to draw some blood.”

Calmly and stoically, she responded, “Whose?”

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And I love IT jokes!  Here are some favorites and they’re true…

  • I had a user come up to me and ask why their computer would not turn on. I go over to the desk and notice a pool of water so I immediately unplug the computer and lift it up. Water came pouring out of the side vents so the user says “oh ya I spilled water on my desk, could that be the problem?”
  • Person entering data on a floppy disk was told that she had to make a copy at the end of every day to provide a backup. About 6 months later, the disk became corrupt; so the technician asked if she had the copies. She opened a filing cabinet drawer and pulled out a stack of paper; on every sheet was a photocopy of the disk.
  • I was walking through an office one day and a user said to me, “At last! It’s taken you long enough. I pressed F1 (help button) over 2 hours ago!”
  • I got a call about a monitor not working. When going through the standard debugging steps, user said there were no lights, he could not find the power button, etc, etc. Then I ask, “Is there actually a monitor on the desk”, and answer was “no.” Someone had moved it.
  • Someone was complaining his PC wasn’t working at all. After going through the whole “have you checked cables and is it plugged in etc” he had me thinking he needed a new power supply or something. Then I heard someone in the background say, “I wonder how long the power outage will be this time.”
  • User calls saying mouse “isn’t working.” No problem says me… I grabbed a freshie & headed over. Upon arrival, user says, “And there’s that annoying red light shining in my eyes too!” I turned the mouse right-side-up and walked quickly out of earshot, promptly losing it with laughter!!!
  • I had a user come back from a 2 week vacation who reported that “everything is different”. She couldn’t really explain what was different though. Her computer had been off the whole time and nothing had changed at all. She’s a Mac user at home and I suspected the reason “everything is different” was because she didn’t look at a Windows machine for two weeks.
  • One day a user calls because her computer wouldn’t power on. OK, so I take the trip upstairs and sure enough no power to the CPU or monitor. I follow the power cords to a power strip, but I couldn’t see the power switch. A head of lettuce in a grocery bag had fallen from her desk onto the switch and turned it off. We still laugh about the ‘Death by Vegetable’ ticket…
  • “I had a user at my last job, who when it came time to reboot her computer would crawl under her desk, unplug every single cable, plug in every single cable, and come back up and tell me she rebooted. Even better when I had her log off and log on she did the same thing.”
  • Call from user: “my PC is screaming at me.” Found out the computer was beeping because the keyboard tray was holding several buttons down.
  • I got a ticket stating “user is requesting to be changed back to Google from Chrome”
  • Ticket #144: “myspacebarwillnotwork” – Description: “iwouldreallylikesomespacessoicanwork!”
  • It’s a big problem when users start mistaking a can of WD-40 for canned air… that keyboard was never the same. “It’s sooo oily!?” *facepalm*
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True story (Aren’t those the bestest kinds?)

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of
small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued – and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA …..

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE  ARE NUTS!

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A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. “That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him. “Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.  (Oh, dear, maybe not politically correct-does anyone say yuppie anymore, but still, funny…)

A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. He was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen. He apologized to the workers for being late. As He looked into the open grave, He saw the vault lid already in place. he told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening. He was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” He got so into the service that He preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation. When the service was over, He said a prayer and walked to his car. As He opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

And one last knee slapper…

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

See you next time!

New Jokes for February 17, 2018; in which we have just had 3 days of rain, flooding, and warmer weather, only to be met by snowing again-but, hey, this is Ohio!

As a  mom, I enjoyed these:

Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.”

Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”

Batman’s Mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

Goldilocks Mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?”

Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

George Washington’s Mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

Superman’s Mother: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed.”

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My friend Glenn T Horne-see his interview on this website, lovely man: sent me this recently:

Speaking of grandchildren: When my grandson Andrew and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Andrew whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

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