Giggles and Grins Found Just for You!

Because we love to laugh, we thought we’d add a few jokes each month just for the heck of it- because we want you to smile when you think of us: The newest ones are always first…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A little long, but worth it…

A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the

notes the children handed in.

Dear God:

I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You

made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes.

Dear God:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole

world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You’re on

vacation?

Dear God:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:

Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling

words in the house?

Dear God:

Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an

accident?

Dear God:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that

okay?

Dear God:

Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good.

Dear God:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God:

You don’t have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:

My brother told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right.

They’re just kidding, aren’t they?

Dear God:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lawyer, a doctor and a pastor went hunting.  When they saw a buck, all three of them shot at the deer simultaneously. But only one shot struck the buck, and an argument broke out on which of them had actually made the kill.
A game officer came on the scene and, after examining the buck, settled the matter. “The pastor shot the buck,” he said with confidence. “I can tell because the bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Late one night, this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past, so he chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car, and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”

The man replies, “Yes, I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”

The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”

The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the back.”

The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.

The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup.

Soon, there are cars, cops, and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed, and taken towards a cop car.

However, just before he is put in the car and taken away, a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop who pulled him over, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two enthusiastic fishermen set off on a long-awaited fishing trip. They go all out, renting everything they could possibly need: reels, rods, wading suits, a rowboat, a car, and even a cozy cabin in the woods. The whole venture costs them a small fortune.

On the first day, they hit the water full of hope… and catch nothing. The second day is no better. Same story on the third day. Every day, they try their luck, but every day they come up empty-handed.

Finally, on the very last day of the trip, one of them manages to catch a single fish.

As they’re driving home, feeling disappointed and counting up the cost, one fisherman sighs and says, “You know, that one measly fish cost us fifteen hundred dollars!”

The other one looks over and replies, “Good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A newly-ordained pastor, in the first days of his first call, was attempting to console the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket, the nervous young pastor said, “I realize this must be a very hard blow for you, Mrs. Svenson. Just try to remember that what we see before us is only the husk, the shell of your dear husband–the nut has gone to heaven.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I love kids!  These are unretouched or corrected; incorrect spelling has been left in. This is how they showed up in Bible school paperwork.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++