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Giggles

Laughter is the flowerbed of life…

Because we love to laugh, we thought we’d add a few jokes each month just for the heck of it- because we want you to smile when you think of us

The newest ones are always first… I love kids and the CBW suggested these were good:

Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison.

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You keep the ones You already have now? Jane.

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother. Larry.

Dear God, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. Mickey.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them. Nan.

Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy.

Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma.

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? Neil.

Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce.

Dear God, I think about You sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliot.

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha.

Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with green hair walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” I just say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he knows when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

Ah! Being young is exciting but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

May you always have:

Love to share,

Cash to spare,

Tires with air,

And friends who care.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WEDDING
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

SCHOOL LUNCH
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had posted a note on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

COMMANDMENTS
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

CREATION OF MAN AND WOMAN
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything including human beings. Little Billy seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Billy, what is the matter?” Little Billy responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

BECOMING A MINISTER
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”

CHURCH CANDLES
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started singing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”

DEATH
When the family’s dog died, a mother tried to gently break the news to her little 5-year-old daughter. “We can all be happy now, that little Bo is up in heaven with God.” Replied the little girl: “But mom, what’s God going to do with a dead dog?”

MORE DEATH
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought for a moment and then asked, “Did God throw him back down?”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am starting a collection of these things-the big question everyone wants to know: (drum roll)

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

(Anonymous, from various sources, with some additions by Timothy, noted with an asterisk*; a double asterisk** is my elaboration of an original item in the anonymous version.)and really getting out of hand in my humor collection….)

Taoist sage Lao Tzu:*
The road that can be crossed is not the true Road. (Tao Te Ching, ch. 1)

Also from Lao Tzu:
Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Star Trek’s Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Plato:**
To know her true self, for the greater good of all.

Zeno of Elea:
To prove she could never reach the other side, given that, before she can get there, she must get halfway there; and before she can get halfway there, she must get a quarter of the way there; and before traveling a quarter, she must travel one-eighth; and …

John Lennon:**
Imagine all the world’s chickens, crossing every road in peace…

Colonel Sanders (of KFC—Kentucky Fried Chicken):
I missed one?

Hugh Hefner (the “Colonel Sanders of Hot Chicks”):*
To fully expose her delightful body. Maybe she would like to come live with me… and dress up as a bunny.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr.:**
I have a dream that one day all of God’s chickens, chickens of every color and faith, from every village and every hamlet, will be free–thank God Almighty, free at last!–to cross any road without their motives called into question.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The white chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

Grandpa:**
Well now, listen here, my young friend. In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and, by golly, that was good enough for us. Those were simpler times, and we were simpler folks.

Barbara Walters:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. We’ll have all the details you want to hear, right after this break.

Oprah Winfrey:
Well, I understand that this chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not have to live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Dr. Phil:
The problem we have here is that our chicken friend won’t realize he must first deal with the big problem on THIS side of the road before he goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. He needs HELP realizing just how STUPID he is for not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems!

George Bush:**
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is with us or against us. No middle ground here. In fact, Vice President Cheney tells me there’s evidence this chicken is a terrorist in collusionation with the enemies of our freedom. Dick, do you have your gun handy? Wait a minute now, Dick! Make sure that thing’s pointed in the right direction, okay?

Colin Powell:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

Ralph Nader:
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the monstrous wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth? The chicken was going to the other side. That’s what they call it: “the other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is GAY. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

Ronald Reagan:**
As with the Iran-Contra matter and Nicaragua, I don’t remember. But I’m sure it was in our great country’s best interests.

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

Sigmund Freud:**
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road clearly reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. What were your feelings about your mother?

Carl Jung:*
How synchronous, Herr Freud, that this chicken should cross this road at exactly this moment on the way to its full individuation!

H.P. Lovecraft:
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

Howard Cosell (sportscaster):
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of sports history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Bill Gates:
To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway and into a world where there’s a computer in every home.

Weekly World News:
Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!

Thomas Jefferson:
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature’s God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Karl Marx:
Driven by the lash of economic necessity, it was historically inevitable.

Voltaire:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it!

Che Guevara:*
I am in solidarity with all chickens! Viva el pollo!

X-Files’ Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

X-Files’ Scully:
Mulder, calm down, it was a simple bio-mechanical reflex commonly found in chickens.

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:**
It depends on the chicken’s frame of reference as to whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken. Moreover, given our curved universe, if the chicken keeps moving in the same direction, it winds up coming once again to the same road!

Physicist Werner Heisenberg:
Because the chicken is moving sufficiently fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Timothy Leary (smiling):**
Because it was the only far-out trip the Establishment would let this groovy little chicken take.

Jean Paul Sartre (not smiling):**
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence… Do you think you could sit with that chicken in a small room for eternity?

Albert Camus:**
The chicken crossed the road. My mother died today. Nothing matters. The world is absurd. Chicken’s actions have no meaning, except, possibly, to her.

Jacques Derrida:*
These are just language games in the logocentric strategy of discourse. What is a “chicken”? What is the “road”? In the reappropriation of the original text of this phenomenon, and being utterly open to its subtext of emptiness and the many, as part of our ongoing postmodernist deconstructionist project, we are interested here only in the actual feathers, tissue, beak, claws, and asphault.

Jacques Derrida (asked the same Q on another occasion):
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Vito Corleone:
We made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

Rogue cops in the L.A.P.D. (Los Angeles Police Dept.):
Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

Nancy Grace:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

O.J. Simpson:
It didn’t cross the road. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Senior jokes this time!

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with green hair walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” I just say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

Ah! Being young is exciting but being old is comfortable.

___________________________________________________________________________

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To test me, please send money.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

Life is sexually transmitted.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I can resist anything but temptation

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

What do they call Church pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.

When the family’s dog died, a mother tried to gently break the news to her little 5-year-old daughter. “We can all be happy now, that little Bo is up in heaven with God.” Replied the little girl: “But mom, what’s God going to do with a dead dog?”

YOU WANT WHAT?
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, please grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I need to see beautiful sights and alleviate the stress in my life.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

THE LESSON-it’s in there, somewhere….


Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.”

Then Simon Peter said: “Do we have to write this down?”

And Andrew said: “Are we supposed to know this?”

And James said: “Will we have a test on this?”

And Phillip said: “I don’t have any paper!”

And Bartholomew said: “Do we have to turn this in?”

And John said: “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this!”

And Matthew said: “Can I go to the boys’ room?”

And Judas said: “What does this have to do with real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was at the checkout of a local Walmart. The cashier rang up the $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty-dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again.I gave her the money back — same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us! …..

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.

I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’

“They’re already buy-one- get-one-free,” she said, “so I guess they’re both free.”

She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us! …..

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends, when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!”

Someone looked up at the sky and asked, “Where?”

They Walk Among Us! …..

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north; because, he explained,

he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, “Does the sunrise in the north?”

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,

“Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”

They Walk Among Us!! …..

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked

what hours the call center was open.

I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”

They Walk Among Us! …..

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us! …..

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.

Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us! …..

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.

“Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”

So I replied, “No Ma’am, The Pilot told us we’re circling the airport, 3rd in line to land” …..

They Walk Among Us! …..

While working at a pizza place, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..

He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into four pieces. I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six pieces.”

Yep, they walk among us…. bless their hearts

  1. Cedar says:

    Great!!!!!

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